Tom's Mumblings

When I was in elementary school, we used to have to sit in alphabetical order. I always sat behind Susie Turner in every class. I didnt have many friends and was kind of geeky. She always was nice to me. We went to the same elementary, junior high and high school.

She dated a lot in high school, and we went our separate ways. I always wondered what happened to her. I thought about her for years. Ive been married and divorced twice and I still would always wonder about her.

I went on Classmates.com looking for her, nothing. One day I was home from work, searching again on the net and I find three Susan Turners. I called them all and left messages saying who I was and if she was the right one, could she please call me back.

For years, I had in my mind that she was this great girl and wouldnt it be great to meet her. Maybe I was supposed to find her and we would be together. I just didnt know.

She called! We started talking. She had the same name because she never married. (I wonder why). Her voice was different and she had this really strange laugh, which I dont remember. She told me her parents had moved to this small town and she moved there to take care of them in their old age. They passed away and she just locked herself in the house for over three years.

She didnt sound like the confident, carefree, happy person that I remembered. She kept laughing rather strangely about everything. She was flattered that I spent so much time trying to locate her.

I really didnt know what else to say so I kept the call short. She didnt seem like the type of person I would pursue further. She calls me a few days later and leaves a message saying she wrote me a letter. A letter never came. Two months later, a letter comes and talks about her locking herself in the house.

The whole thing was really strange. I didnt have anything to say about the letter. It was just weird. I was picturing her one of those really fat people that gets stuck in their house and never leaves. Thats the way she sounded to me.

I never called after the letter. Now shes leaving messages saying she doesnt understand why I didnt call her after I got them. I have nothing to say. Maybe I should have just left my boyhood crush alone. Nothing ever works out the way you think its going to.

I am an all-American male. I like beef and baked potatoes and real food. What is with this sushi fad? I just dont get it. They serve you this horrible raw fish, wrapped in cold seaweed, with cold egg, all squished together. Um-um, good? I dont think so.

Thats not even real food. What is that? How do these big, burley guys come off saying, Oh, I just love to eat sushi? I dont get it. I hate raw fish. Its not enough food to fill me up. Its cold and sticks to your insides, and it tastes awful. I think the only way I could even get that stuff down would be to wash it down with Sake, and if you did that, youd be so drunk you wouldnt know what youre eating.

My brother loves sushi. Will it anytime, anywhere. He eats not just the fish stuff, but the squid and octopus stuff, which is like eating rubber. No thanks. Ill pass. And as hes washing it down, hes telling me how good it is. It doesnt look that way.

Its terrible stuff. Plus fish has mercury in it. All these people that live on lots of sushi, I wonder if theyve had their mercury content checked recently. I read that if you eat salmon sushi more than twice a year, youre risking getting cancer.

Sushi is also uncooked fish. Some of the sushi still has live worms and parasites in it because the fish is raw and not frozen. Salmon and tuna sushi are loaded with mercury and industrial chemicals (dioxins, pesticides and PCBs which have been dumped in our oceans). If you eat this, these poisons will stay in your body for decades They can reduce fertility, steadily weaken the immune system and potentially cause cancer.

An analysis of Sushi restaurants in L.A. found dangerous levels of mercury in a quarter of the samples tested. I just dont get it. Bring me some real, cooked food. Not fake designer Barbie food, full of parasites and live worms. How do people do it? They call it a fad and then pretend that they like what theyre eating. Lets have sushi! Yummy!

Boy, when you hit 50, another milestone birthday, your wife starts thinking about keeping you alive longer in your later years. She realizes that youve been eating fast-food your entire life and dessert before bed every night. When you watch the nightly news, theres at least one story of some movie star or singer having a heart attack or bypass surgery. Then you start thinking, I wonder how clean my arteries are?

My wife then decided its time to clean out my pipes, so I wont have to go under the knife later on — whether I like it or not. Gone are the nightly scoops of ice cream before bed. Gone are the mashed potatoes and gravy that Id have seconds and thirds of on Sundays.

Gone are the fried foods I loved so much. Now theyre just a memory. Shes buying baked potato chips (not oil fried); shes baking my French fries (not oil fried) and Im only allowed fried chicken (something I just refuse to give up) once every six months or so. How harmful can that be?

Her choice of cooking oil is now olive oil, which leaves a terrible smell to everything she cooks and she fries ALL your meat and vegetables in it. If youre doing the cooking, you have to do it really quick, because you dont want to get that olive oil too hot so that it burns. The smell is awful!

I now eat 1/2 cup of oatmeal for breakfast EVERY morning to keep me regular and to make sure I get enough fiber and it lowers my cholesterol. Gone are the eggs, bacon, sausages and pancakes with syrup on the weekends. Gone are the sugary cereals I loved in my youth. Now I eat the bland oatmeal. It makes the wife and my doctor happy.

We eat chicken and fish regularly with salad and baked potato. We use fat-free sour cream and salsa instead of butter. I only get a great steak and barbecue ribs (to die for) once a month, just so I dont forget what they taste like.

Its not so bad. Ive lost 30 pounds. It keeps my wife happy and off my case, and Im not making my doctor any wealthier. Notice when your wife changes HER diet, you change yours too, whether you like it or not? After all, shes the one that brings the food into the house and prepares it. So be it. Its our way of life now. Hopefully no surgeries for me. See you at the next milestone!